I want to share with you my idea on how to make a lot of money real quick with little effort. Now don’t get too exicted about doing this yourself because I’ve already set things in motion to do this myself and you are already too late. So you can see right off that I’m not making money by just selling the idea to foolish people who want to believe they can profit from laziness.
In order to give proper credit, I must confess that I got the basis for this idea from my father years ago. Here it is: he was afraid to lick a stamp. Huh? you say. That’s it?! Yep. Let me explain. Dad knew that germs and all kinds of evil things could be lurking in the glue of a stamp. So he never licked a stamp. He’d use a special sponge made for stamps. Same on sealing an envelope. It took a hundred years, but the US post office finally caught on to this common fear and now stamps have their own contact adhesive with no licking required. My dad climbed around on steel beams to build buildings and thus didn’t have a lot of fears, but this was one. Compared to my mother he didn’t have any fears at all; she had the market captured.
The reason I think this idea is sure to win is because it’s based on fear. The plan has only a few simple steps. First, I buy stock in companies like 3M that make the adhesives used for non-licking stamps. I also buy sponge futures and all hedge funds that deal with them. Then I put out a simple email telling how the terrorists have contaminated the US glue supply with a deadly biological strain that is undetectable by any but the most complicated analysis. One little lick will kill you. Getting this email circulated is the easiest part. I just send it to a few folks that keep sending me all the bogus emails that won’t die. If you’ve been around long enough, you should know them well. The first one I remember is the warning to not flick your headlights to another car that had a headlight out because there was a gang of young men whose initiation rights were to drive a one headlight car and shoot any car that flicked them. Another famous “fools gold” email was that Microsoft and AOL had teamed up to pay $100 to anyone who signed on to some email experiment. I must have got this a hundred times from people who wanted to believe they could pocket an easy hundred bucks. A more recent example is the email that warned of the results of some new study that found a carcinogenic agent in plastic bottles. This one spread around like a wild fire in the dry California hills. So I’m not worried that my simple little email about terrorists and glue would not soon become a widespread urban legend because it’s based on fear. It must be human nature that we readily believe things that are based on fear but resist with great cynicism anything that might spread optimism and hope. Why is that? Part of our fallen nature? I don’t know, and don’t have to know to capitalize on it. Because after most everyone is convinced all the glue in the world is contaminated the price of sponge futures will absolutely skyrocket. So will the stock of all adhesive companies. Then I sell all my investments and move to Mexico.
There you have it. And I can hear you saying to yourself, “Now why didn’t I think of that?!”